Inertia
I feel inert. I'm afraid to start the Fulbright Application because I'm afraid to finish it and turn it in and have it not be good enough and be stuck. I'm afraid of how long it's going to take and the moments therein where I will feel annoyed and frustrated with a particular paragraph or a particular point. I haven't really done that much in college. Not anything impressive at least.
I feel inert. I don't want to go running because I'm afraid I'll get an asthma attack in the middle of it and have to walk and everyone will see me walking and be like "why is that seemingly fit young girl walking?? She should be running, that old guy is running, see." And I'll be ashamed and have to finish slowly and incomplete. Which will prove that I'm lazy. And the whole way back home I'll wonder why I can't be one of those people who pushes everything to the limit, including their body and they're toned and smart and organized and on track and don't ever have doubt or self-deprecation and little birds sit on their shoulders and sing to them the secrets of the world.
I feel inert. I feel like today was a bit of a waste, but I also feel this uncomfortable dull pain behind my eyes.
I have to get a new passport before I leave Germany because I put mine through the wash before I left and now it's fraying and falling apart and it's SO FUCKING ANNOYING because 1) it's $97.00 and 2) because it has all my stamps from my quarter abroad which is the most stamps I've ever had in a passport and I'm very attached to them even though I usually scoff at people who talk about their passport stamps. Generally my life consists of me thinking I'm reasonable while other people are not.
Antony & the Johnsons is the greatest band ever.
Last night, some guy who is a hair model told me that my hair looks good "open" (translation: down), but he also said I should thin it. Thanks, I KNOW.
Sometimes I wish I had a little guy in my head, like that alien who was operating that guy's brain in the first Men in Black with all the levers and shit, you know, so he could write all my thoughts down really fast and I wouldn't have to remember them.
Tonight a friend's dad is taking a few of us out to dinner. Tomorrow is BEER FEST!!!!
I feel inert. I don't want to go running because I'm afraid I'll get an asthma attack in the middle of it and have to walk and everyone will see me walking and be like "why is that seemingly fit young girl walking?? She should be running, that old guy is running, see." And I'll be ashamed and have to finish slowly and incomplete. Which will prove that I'm lazy. And the whole way back home I'll wonder why I can't be one of those people who pushes everything to the limit, including their body and they're toned and smart and organized and on track and don't ever have doubt or self-deprecation and little birds sit on their shoulders and sing to them the secrets of the world.
I feel inert. I feel like today was a bit of a waste, but I also feel this uncomfortable dull pain behind my eyes.
I have to get a new passport before I leave Germany because I put mine through the wash before I left and now it's fraying and falling apart and it's SO FUCKING ANNOYING because 1) it's $97.00 and 2) because it has all my stamps from my quarter abroad which is the most stamps I've ever had in a passport and I'm very attached to them even though I usually scoff at people who talk about their passport stamps. Generally my life consists of me thinking I'm reasonable while other people are not.
Antony & the Johnsons is the greatest band ever.
Last night, some guy who is a hair model told me that my hair looks good "open" (translation: down), but he also said I should thin it. Thanks, I KNOW.
Sometimes I wish I had a little guy in my head, like that alien who was operating that guy's brain in the first Men in Black with all the levers and shit, you know, so he could write all my thoughts down really fast and I wouldn't have to remember them.
Tonight a friend's dad is taking a few of us out to dinner. Tomorrow is BEER FEST!!!!
posted by Chadé at 5:20 PM
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