FLAKE

Ah! Obviously, I left Berlin and stopped writing blog entries. I don't know where to go from here. Leaving Berlin was sad and I was absolutely panicked about coming back to America and facing all the responsibilities and shit I had to get done at home and making sure my sister was okay and everyone anticipating my every move. It turned out okay. I love being back, surprisingly, even though it's a little boring at times. It's amazing how quickly I become bored without internet and TV all the time. I need to try to ween myself from those things. I've been visiting with a lot of old friends and realizing that its really just the same when I see them and i don't need to feel awkward or guarded or whatever because they still are somehow the same and so am I (somehow) and we can relate as such. I did get a little surprise kick in the pants when an old boyfriend asked me if I thought we'd "end up together." Jesus, I don't fuckn know, who knows, whatever. Plus you have a girlfriend. It wasn't bad or good, just weird.
I drive down to Portland today. I'm kinda ready to move on. Then camp (gasp a little, it will be slightly unnerving) then school. And the end to another summer.
Tiiiiiiiimmmmmme is on my side, yes it is....

The most comforting things in the world are

a hooded sweatshirt
coffee and/or tea
and an episode of The Bourne Identity

Last Night Was Going to be So Cool

1. Indisputable facts:
After a day of shopping, Jackie and I came home to nap, eat, change and go meet our friend Joanna at her apartment in East Berlin for pre-party. We left our place kinda late so we picked up some beers on the way, and I had finished three half liters by the time we got to Jo's. Then, Jackie makes us all some Vodka Redbulls. Enter disaster.

2. How last night was supposed to go:
Drinkdrinkdrink, take U-Bahn to Eberswalder Strasse, find a group of cute boys, follow them to wherever they were going (hopefully a cool bar), laugh and giggle about talking to them without actually doing it, maybe have Jackie do it (she's got balls like that), maybe go dancing (provided my new really tight (as in restrictive) boots would allow), go home irgendwann, wake up and eat delicious brunch buffet in the morning. Baller.

3. How last night actually went:
After Vodka Redbulls, Jackie made another concoction that I would like to call "The Vomitron" which was Vodka (waaay too much) and Red Bull (not at all enough) and BEER (because of the lack of Red Bull). So, yeah, I drank some of that too. Then we walked to the subway and rode it to Alexanderplatz to switch to another subway to go to Eberswalder. Then, at some point during the walk through the giant labyrinth Jackie decided that we were going to take the above-ground train (S-Bahn) instead to Warschauer Strasse. So we got on the train and immediately my mouth starts doing that fill-rapidly-with-saliva-because-you're-gonna-vomit-NOW thing. I hate that thing. So instead of riding to our destination, I have to get off at Ostbahnhof (1 stop away) and almost vomit all over the train platform, with a very confused Jackie and Joanna in tow. But, I don't vomit. Then we decide that the best thing would be the 24hour McDonalds inside the train station. Jo gets TWO large fries and proceeds to eat all of them--I have two bites. Jackie gets a Turkish pizza. Our friend Julia shows up with a bike she has to give back to Jo right when I'm shuffling through the train station trying to find the bathroom, which I have to pay 50 CENTS to use, then I pass out on the floor with my head over the gross-smelling metallic toilet and Jackie has to come find me and help me out. Jackie (the vegetarian) then decides she's going to get a McRib. Now, if you've ever seen the McDonalds menu (you know the one above the cashiers' heads that's all lit-up?) then you know that the McRib is the grossest looking thing on the entire menu. But she got it and she ate it and we walked home to Jo's place. I then decided I was going to take a shower, and covered myself in Jo's mimosa shower gel/cream shit and fell asleep on the floor of her tiny stand up shower curled in a ball with my head on my knee until Jackie (yet again) had to come and get me and dry me off and put me to sleep. Twenty minutes after I "fell asleep," I get up to retch all of my tiny salad dinner (WHAT was I thinking eating only a salad before a night like this?) into the toilet. After which I felt immediately better and fell asleep watching Bend it Like Beckham. That's a sweetass movie.
My hangover today, though, was something to shake a stick at.
Brunch was.....delicious. And we did see some cute boys after all.

Morena Cafe and Bar, Wiener Strasse 60

I'm trying this new bit with honesty. I've spent a long time thinking that it was just better if you kept it in because then you have all the control and it's better that way. I still kind of think that. But, at the same time, it's usually better when you tell people what you really think (with a nod towards compassion as well) because then you show them that you trust them to be able to handle it and you trust the friendship to be able to withstand it and you're able to be honest but not demanding. That paragraph is months worth of thinking on my part.
So far, success. I wrote my non-listening guy friend an email that basically said that I value his friendship a lot but sometimes it seems like he wasn't interested or was too distracted to work for our friendship too. I spent a few days in a stomach clench until he wrote back with more sincerity and thoughtfulness than I thought he was capable of. Trusting people with the truth lets them surprise me. It forces me to give them credit. It forces me to be accountable for my feelings and not write people off. It's a lot better this way.

I'm back at my free-wireless cafe. I love it here.

I wonder what it takes to be a good writer. That sounds like a dumb question, but sometimes I don't even start writing stuff because I'm afraid of how it will turn out. How can I learn if I don't practice? I've b een re-reading McCarthy's Blood Meridian and the violence, the austerity and gradeur are a revolving door. He captures. There are gaps for you to fill in. There are unique realities. Read it.

The wind is violently shaking a bicycle suspended by chains between two trees outside. Berlin's getting hecka cold. It's about time I left.

Overcompensating

I found the most hilarious web comic that's like an comic-version of a daily journal and it's so freaking funny that everyone should read it. It's called Overcompensating by Jeffrey Rowland and everyday he makes a comic then writes a short comment about how it's related to his life or what he's thinking about. I've gone through so many archives already and they're all really funny. This is my favorite page so far. "I'm the decider!"

I'm going to go to a museum now, I've only been to it once before. But it has a big, fuck-ass picture of Mao that Andy Warhol did and it's sweet. And it has giant blue neon tube lights out front but the whole building is, like, old style at the same time. Whatever, it's cool.

I don't want to write my proposal!!!
I don't want to write my personal statement!!!
I don't want to list my "personal achievements"!!!
I've rediscovered Sudoku. Yesssss.

8 days left

Today I met with two different professors, one at Humboldt Universität and one at Technisches Universität and while I was very concerned about the horrifically preliminary-draft-state of my proposal and wondering whether or not they'd be interested and was I dressed nice, but not too nice and how's my hair (gawd, it's so awful) and do I have to speak English or German and what if I can't find their office and I really need coffee, but I'm late, shit, ahhhhhh.....when I met with the first one he took me to the HU's "Auslandsamt" (Foreign Exchange Office), and the lady was like "oh, you are from Stanford, yes? You are applying for a Fulbright, yes? You need a letter of recommendation for 2007-2008, yes? Just tell us when. That's not a problem." I was blown away. THAT EASY? Really? I feel like the US puts everyone through the ringer for these kinds of things. If I were going to a US professor, I'd have my resume and my transcript and my first born child and a pint of my blood with me. Jesus. I love Germany. So, now all I have to do is fine-tune my proposal, write my personal statement, finish the online application and secure these letters of introduction. That sounds like a lot, but I think the hardest part (well, the most logistical part) of meeting contacts is taken care of. *Another sigh of relief*

I spent 30 minutes in an English bookstore today and decided on The Sound and the Fury by William Faulkner. Might as well be well-read or something. I almost bought In Cold Blood by Capote, partially because of the movie and partially because I spent a good portion of yesterday at work (I have NOTHING to do now) reading about Ted Bundy and the Green River Killer and it was so fascinating to me. But the book was kind of expensive and....I can just watch the movie (cue cringe).
Dave, I did not get the books you recommended because I am in Germany and no one has them. There is one book of short stories that I have found and it's, you guessed it, Best Short Stories of 2005.

Jackie and I watched Donnie Darko the other night in German. That made the movie about 20x creepier than it already is. Did you know that when German's dub their films, they get the same guy to dub for the same American actor? For example, Tom Hanks' German voice is always the same, Woody Allen's too, etc. and last fall there was some play in Berlin that had all those famous voices actually acting on a stage (I have no idea what they were doing) but it was a big deal b/c their voices are so famous. I guess it's a similar novelty to when we watch cartoons and Mel Gibson or Robin Williams or David Spade is the voice and you spend half the movie going "ah, ooh, uh, I know that guy, ah, dammit, umm...its that guy, from....you know, ah, fuck." When we could just look at the back of the movie box but we don't. Or I don't.

I get really bad headaches every morning now before I have coffee. That is not good.

And tonite is Brazilian food! 8€ buffet, all you can eat, baby.

Bleeeeee

Report from yesterday's cafe: Spent three hours, got three pages of outline done. That is a big deal for me. And two of my teachers said they'd write me recommendations. Jackie said that I should get recs from people "who think you shit ice cream." Hah. Easier said than done. Now I just have to refine it and then write a personal statement without sounding like an asshole. Also easier said than done. But, I feel much much better about everything.
*sigh*

Last night was the Berlin Night Marathon. Jackie and I referred to it as "Take Back the Night," not to offend the similarly-named women's movement on campus, but watching a bunch of old people running a marathon at night in the rain (oh yeah, it's started raining here, I love it) makes me want to yell "TAKE BACK THE NIGHT!!!"

I just finished A Heartbreaking Work.... I need a new recommendation of a book to read. Any suggestions?

ps. I never got any answers about the check-selection. I feel neglected.

Progress

Today I am going to bike to a cafe in East Berlin that has free wireless and good coffee and I'm going to write this big fucker application and totally dominate it. Yesterday I did pay $97 to get a new passport, but at least now I don't have to worry about coming home and I got my old one back and I was very thankful that I was not the Billy Idol-look-alike and his terrible French/German wife who was applying for her green card and then moving with him to Kentucky. I know she doesn't know what she's in for.
Oh, yeah, BEER FEST! It's going on this whole weekend in East Berlin, but I think yesterday was enough for me, not because it wasn't fun, and it wasn't even crowded or stressful, it was just a lot of beer. We bought a .2 Liter glass for €3.50 and then we could get it filled up at any participating booth for €1.50. Blammin. Here are beers that I tried and what I thought (I have no articulate palate whatsoever, a lot of them will probably say, "uh, tastes like beer."

1. Störtebeker Pilsner: First of all, I really liked their label and logo so that's pretty much why I went to their booth, but the Pilsner was really smooth and I was really sad that they wouldn't let me try the Hefeweizen with my little mug-offer. Maybe I'll go back today and buy a bottle. (That is me getting my Störtebeker on the left).
2. Roter Oktober: The Commie beer. Seriously, pictures of Lenin and everything. Tastes like beer. Regular old beer, but better than Natty Light I guess.
3. БАЛТИКА: Clearly a Russian beer and they let me have Hefeweizen but it wasn't that impressive, not very smooth, kind of metallic, kind of....Russian.
4. Dérer: Bohemian beer, we got the Schwartzbeer ("black beer" or simply "dark beer") and it smelled fruity but tasted spicy and kind of nutty. It was okay for 0.2 Liters, but more would have been too much.
documenting the beers we've tried and planning the next ones to try

5. here is where I say that we wanted to try this beer called "Chodovar" because, come on, that's a funny ass name, but we missed the stand somewhere between Jackie buying a pickle and me buying a Flammkuchen.
6. There was a Vietnam section, replete with those pointy hats and massages. We did not stop for their shitty beer.
7. Grimbergen: Middle ages beer, the guys selling it wore those abbott/monk costumes and the beer we got (I forget the name) was 6.5% alcohol and was surprisingly smooth and delicious.
8. Katharinen Bier/Luther Beer: Named after Martin Luther and his wife Katherine, sold to us by nuns and tastes like honey beer. It was really smooth and sweet and they served it warm. It was tasty but a little too sweet after a while.
9. It's been about 2 hours at this point and we are faaaaaaading.
10. --> Pferdewurst! Horse Sausage! (we did not eat it).
10. Fraϕck Heather Ale: Old Scottish beer or something. Very tasty. I have lost all tastebud differentiation at this point and my only phrase when tasting is "mmmm, hmmmm, that's pretty good!"
11. Maisel's Weisse: MY LAST BEER. Delicious hefeweizen. It takes me 35 minutes to finish it. We went back to our friend's apartment and ate 15 homemade chocolate chip cookies and then got burritos then came home and passed out.