Jackie and I had a good talk last night. I think we cleared some of the stagnant air that surrounds us/has been surrounding us for awhile. I think the problem is that I always expect to be judged by her and Im always surprised when shes not actually silently judging me. So, I think I sit around and judge my own actions, then project that Jackie's judging them, then get pissed at her for doing so, then re-evaluate everything when I realize its all in my head. My head is an exhausting place, man. I just dont know why Im so grumpy all the time. Things irk me unnecessarily--other people eating (refer to earlier blog), the heat, being tired, almost losing my camera, etcetcetcetc--then I hate the fact that these things irk me, so I just get madder. Sometimes I feel like I walk around our apartment like a grumpy phantom. Like a specter. And I hate that Ive changed so much since freshman year. I hate all the things that have gone on. As much as I hate "vapid" people (or whatever elitist term) I sometimes admire their ability to act without thinking. And, by thinking I mean analyzing. I wonder how Jackie lets me be me all the time when I cant even let me be myself. And I dont know why shes always so patient when I'm such a knife.

My boss unintentionally called me 'fake' yesterday and I dont think he realized that he hurt my feelings.

It would be pretty sweet to take a vacation in someone else's body. Not like, "oh, now Im experiencing someone else's life for a day," no. Like, Im going to be this other person literally on vacation so I don't have all my thoughts in my head and I can enjoy this beach. Duh, everyone has problems and you cant escape them, but what I mean is, uh, being someone else and not having their problems to think about; but, then again, if the whole thing is about escaping thinking about things, and being able to be someone else for a day would probably imply that I had enough power (or a genie!) to delete my own thinking for a day, then maybe I just want to be me, but on a beach, not thinking about shit. THAT is why people take drugs. I get it.

Dave (Borrelli, there are ENTIRELY too many Daves in my life right now, Im thinking about cutting some loose): if youre going to require that I write a blog, you better write some fuckn comments.