The Inevitable Question

I just ran into a doorframe and spilled hot tea all over myself. I swear to God my blindspot is the size of a basketball. And its weird to write "swear to God". I say it all the time, but writing it is weird. Also why am I drinking hot tea in the middle of summer?

Anyway, Ive been doing some research to see what this whole blog thing is about. I guess I feel compelled to ask myself exactly what to put in this thing. Whats the difference between a blog and a journal? Perhaps in my case, my journal is for hashing and rehashing and belaboring and dwelling and perusing and fuming. My blog is for once-overs, casual thoughts, stupid realizations, trifles, irrelevancies, vacancies. So, what do I find when I go from blog to blog on the internet (conveniently, Blogger lets you move from one blog to another with no real order or intent)? I find Spanish blogs, Swedish blogs, Turkish blogs, blogs about President Bush and Hawaiian boxing and what stocks someone wants to buy. I find blogs by weight watchers and shopaholics and photophiles and mothers and world travelers and insomniacs. I find blogs dedicated to "you" and "her" and "him" and "two hearts bound by a delicate twine...STRONG enough...to stand the test of time..." and some blog by a woman called "augmentation breast georgia."
*********


I wish I werent so hard on myself. I get pissed because I think Im not creative enough or that I dont have legitimate hobbies and I just absorb other peoples' creations. I used to paint. I used to play piano. I used to do sculpture and silk screen and cook and knit. Now I listen to music and I read. My brain is full of other peoples' things, ideas, uniqueness. Its a bogus feeling, like when someone gives you a compliment and either you a) know its not true and they know its not true but they said it anyway which is shitty, or b) know its not true but they dont know its not true so you feel like a phony. Either way it feels like Lonely. And a little like Empty.
*********


Some boys are just bad listeners. I was talking to one of my best guy friends on the phone the other day and I was lamenting about some stupid situation, but the best he could say was "well, you cant have everything you want." That really frustrated and irritated and upset me. Duh I cant have everything I want, thats not the fuckn point. Then, he or other guy friends want to talk to me for hours upon hours about how girls do this and girls do that and, while I actually love talking to them about it and hearing what they have to say and trying to offer some female solace and wisdom to the situations, friendship is a two way street and some people are all take and no give. Usually I impute it to the fact that we're in college and we only have ourselves to worry about, but that doesnt mean you have to be selfish or distant or dismissive. Like how I always have to call them first and then I feel like an asshole even though they actually do want to talk to me and are being bullheaded or oblivious. Sometimes they're just as moody and dramatic and frustrating as they claim girls are and that drives me nuts. And, of course I can get my girl friends to talk to me about stupid shit, but I like talking to guys. I like what they have to say and having rapport and no matter if youre gay or straight men need women and women need men and I dont know what Id do without my guy friends, despite how much they frustrate me sometimes.
*********

Dave: youre always putting poetry in your blog and at the risk of mimicing your style (and falling prey to my earlier-articulated lament), some poems are just rad enough to share. Like Gwendolyn Brooks' "We Real Cool."

WE REAL COOL (1960)

We real cool. We
Left school. We

Lurk late. We
Strike straight. We

Sing sin. We
Thin gin. We

Jazz June. We
Die soon.

*********

"We lurk late. We strike straight." Hell yeah.