I Hate My Hair

The money for our rent that Jackie tried to wire to the woman we are renting our (amazing) apartment from is missing. Bank of America is conducting an "official international investigation." My life is part of an "official international investigation." Jackie told me not to be mad if we get kicked out of our apartment. I was brushing my teeth and I shrugged my shoulders and kept brushing. I may be naively assuming that it'll all work out.

I unwittingly hurt my friend's feelings the other day by saying something honest that didnt need to be said. I used to always get silently mad at my friend Will because he does that constantly: he is so obsessed with being true and honest and forthright that he forgets that compassion is sometimes worth its weight in lies. Or at least in hidden truths. Not everything needs to be said. Especially when its irrelevant. So, I feel like a jerk, but a more descriptive, sincere version of a jerk, but I dont really know what to call that.

I want to move to Berlin for awhile.

Im tired of everyone trying to psychoanalyze the way I live my life, including myself. I live my life, big deal. And not every action of mine has to be a manifestation of my past. Whats past is Past is passed and I dont like feeling like Im living in a fishbowl. My actions dont always have a profound source, sometimes I just act.

This woman at my office comes downstairs every once in awhile and just starts talking and talking and talking in German really fast and really loud and really aggressive-like, then every once in awhile she'll ask me "Dont you speak any German? (in English)" Like my silence to her is personal. Like Im not cringing on the inside trying to understand every word shes saying all the while cursing myself for not being better at things in general. Things in general. If I could only give myself a break.

Jürgen said he's not going to coach the German team anymore. That's fuckn sad. Everything Ive read says that he gave the German team, Germans and Germany hope. I guess those shoes were probably too big to keep walking in and he wants to go back to America. Why am I so invested in the German soccer team? I guess its something nationalistic thats actually worth supporting, even if it isnt my country.
On yet another World Cup note, Zidane. As Ive read article after article about his "outburst" "headbutt" "Kopfstoß" "head charge" "dispicable behavior" "reprimandable action" "ignominy" "disgrace" I have to say, sometimes a racist fucker just needs a headbutt. And if no one else is going to stand up for you, and youre arguably the best soccer player of your time and everyone keeps telling you that youre not actually French, but really just North African and you have just missed a goal by two inches beause the Italian goalie is that good and youve already said that its the last game of your career and theres ten minutes left and hes shouting shit about your mother and your homeland when all you want to do is get the ball, shit, Id fuckn headbutt him too. And all those disappointed fans act like they dont know that feeling of unsurmountable swell under your ribcage when things said are that corrosively acidic, and I wonder what chemical reaction between brain and body makes profound disbelief drain into stomach-clenching rage, ascend to conclusive decision(watch Zidane jog to get in front of Materazzi), and explode into irrational executed action. Im not saying I condone violence, but thank God these players are real people. I dont need every game to be a Lifetime Special.



I miss my sister.