I am having a panic attack. I was thinking about ways that I could come back to Germany and study the urban development of Berlin and the Fulbright program seems pretty cool because it would ennable me to work at an NGO that is studying Agenda 21 (sustainable social, economic and environmental development in Berlin). But, when I started looking into this program I realized a bunch of things that have sent me spiraling out of control:
1. i should have been preparing for this program long before now, which means that it's not NOT an option, but it'll be stressful to get the application in on time
2. my coursework at Stanford is an idiotic jumble of things that don't make sense. why am I an IR major? what do my classes mean in the long run? I have no practical knowledge of anything. I know about women's health in far away countries and stupid democracy things and I dont know what I was thinking and I completely wasted my REALLY EXPENSIVE education.
3. no professors at Stanford really know me because I've been taking such a random mischling of classes so I dont really have good people to write me recommendations and the best way to fix that would have been to write a thesis but I bailed on that at the last moment for whatever reason-fear, time, family, whatever.
4. everyone seems like they have their shit together. i know its false, but it seems like it.
5. i should have been taking urban studies and environmental classes all along.
6. i'm going to die poor.

$160,000 and all I know how to do is throw a ping pong ball in a red cup. some of the time.